What Most People Get Wrong About Empathy (And How to Do It Right)
Empathy. We talk about it, praise it, and claim to practice it. But most people get it completely wrong. Empathy isn’t about showing you care or offering solutions. It’s not about saying, “I can see you’re struggling.” That’s sympathy at best, and at worst, it can feel dismissive.
Real empathy is this: Let me understand where you’re coming from.
Why Empathy is So Powerful
If someone truly empathizes with you, it’s incredibly calming—on a physiological level. Your nervous system relaxes. Your defenses lower. You feel seen. Your words, when steeped in real empathy, can change the entire dynamic of a conversation. Empathy regulates. And when people are regulated, they can actually express what’s going on for them.
This is why empathy is such a crucial skill, not just in personal relationships but in leadership, business, and high-stakes negotiations. People who feel truly heard are more likely to open up, problem-solve, and collaborate. Without empathy, conversations quickly become battles of competing agendas, where nobody actually listens—just waits for their turn to speak.
What Empathy is NOT
Most people mistake empathy for simply showing they care. Saying things like, “I know this must be hard for you” isn’t empathy. It’s well-meaning, but it’s still your perspective on their struggle. Real empathy is stepping into their world, seeing through their eyes, and genuinely trying to understand what’s difficult for them—not what you think is difficult for them.
The first and most crucial ingredient of empathy? Not coming in with your perspective, your solutions, or your agenda. It’s about prioritizing their reality before inserting your own.
Let’s break down a few of the most common empathy misconceptions:
1. Empathy Is Not About Fixing the Problem
When someone shares a struggle, our instinct is to help them solve it. But jumping into problem-solving mode too quickly can feel dismissive. It signals that their emotions are something to be fixed rather than understood.
True empathy slows down and acknowledges the person’s experience before moving toward solutions—if solutions are even needed.
2. Empathy Is Not the Same as Agreement
You don’t have to agree with someone to empathize with them. Understanding their perspective doesn’t mean you endorse it; it just means you recognize their experience as valid. Too often, we withhold empathy because we think it means conceding a point or giving in. But empathy isn’t about who’s right. It’s about making space for another person’s reality.
3. Empathy Is Not “I Know How You Feel”
Even if you’ve been in a similar situation, you don’t know exactly how someone else feels. Saying, “I know how you feel” can shut down the conversation rather than open it up. A better approach? Ask them to tell you more. Get curious. Let them lead.
4. Empathy Is Not Just About Words
You can say all the right things and still not convey empathy. Your tone, body language, and presence matter just as much—if not more—than what you say. If your energy says, “Let’s get this over with” or “I’m waiting for my turn to talk,” the other person will pick up on it instantly.
How to Actually Practice Empathy
To cultivate real empathy, you need the right tools—ones that regulate, not escalate.
Step 1: Information Gathering Tools
These help you understand where someone is coming from:
Ask clarifying questions. Instead of assuming, get curious. “Can you tell me more about what’s making this so hard?”
Take educated guesses. If they’re struggling to articulate their feelings, try: “Is it that you’re feeling overwhelmed by expectations, or is something else going on?” This helps them feel understood without forcing them to spell everything out.
Mirror their language. If they describe something as “frustrating,” use that word instead of replacing it with “stressful” or “annoying.” Small shifts like this reinforce that you’re listening deeply.
Step 2: Regulating Tools
These tools help create a safe space where someone feels heard and understood:
Reflective listening. Paraphrase what they’ve said without judgment. “It sounds like you’re feeling stuck between two impossible choices.”
Reassurance (without an agenda). This is NOT about convincing them of anything. It’s about letting them know you get it. Try saying: “I just want to understand.” Or, “I know there must be an important reason for this.” Even if you don’t love their behavior, assume there are valid concerns behind it.
Slow down. Give them space to think and respond. Rushing to fill silences can disrupt their ability to process their own thoughts.
Also, remember: People want advice far less often than we think—unless they’ve been co-authors of the solution.
The Three Plans: A, B, and C
Plan A: Imposing the behavior you want. (Spoiler: This doesn’t work.)
Plan B: Collaboration—empathy first, then expressing your concern (not your solution). Instead of saying “I hear you, but...” (which negates everything before the “but”), try “I hear you, and I’m concerned about XYZ...”
Plan C: Letting them take the lead. Sometimes, people need space to figure things out on their own.
Regulate, Relate, THEN Reason
Dr. Bruce Perry’s model—Regulate, Relate, Reason—is a crucial framework for real empathy. You cannot jump into problem-solving mode right away. Here’s why:
Regulate – If someone is emotionally escalated, meet them where they are. Use tone, body language, and presence to help them feel safe.
Relate – Connect with them. Show them you understand their perspective before trying to shift it.
Reason – Only once they’re regulated and connected can you begin discussing solutions.
If at any point they shut down? Go back to the top and focus on regulation. Deregulation is contagious—don’t add to it.
How Empathy Transforms Leadership and Relationships
Empathy isn’t just about being a good person. It’s a strategic skill that creates trust, loyalty, and better outcomes in every area of life.
In Leadership:
Employees who feel heard are more engaged and motivated.
Difficult conversations become productive instead of defensive.
Team members bring solutions to the table instead of shutting down.
In Relationships:
Conflicts get resolved faster and with less resentment.
People feel emotionally safer, strengthening trust and intimacy.
You stop repeating the same arguments because both parties actually feel understood.
Final Thoughts
Want to know if you’re practicing real empathy? Try this self-check:
Did I try to understand their perspective before sharing mine?
Did you fully let them share without sharing a similar experience of yours? (Don’t do this!)
Did I ask clarifying questions instead of making assumptions?
Did I reflect their emotions without adding my own judgment?
Did I regulate the conversation, or did I escalate it?
Empathy isn’t a soft skill—it’s a power skill. Master it, and you’ll transform the way you communicate, lead, and connect with others.
Article References
The sources cited in the article:
Verywell Mind (VM). “What is Empathy?” VM - What is Empathy?
Tiny Buddha. "Please Don’t Fix Me: What True Empathy Is (And Isn’t)." Tiny Buddha - Please Don’t Fix Me: What True Empathy Is
American Psychological Association (APA). “Cultivating Empathy.” APA - Cultivating Empathy
Harvard Business Review (HBR). "Empathy Rules." HBR - Empathy Rules
PsychCentral. “Is It Possible to Lack Empathy?” PsychCentral - Is It Possible to Lack Empathy?
