Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

You’ve got a lot on your plate—big goals, high-pressure deadlines, and a personal life you’re probably neglecting. And yet, somewhere in the middle of your 2 AM wake-ups and back-to-back Zoom calls, there’s that grudge. That lingering resentment from a past injustice, a betrayal, or a soul-crushing experience that’s still squatting in your brain like an unwanted tenant.

People love to say, “Just move on.” As if healing were as simple as closing a Google Chrome tab. But if you’ve experienced real trauma, workplace toxicity, or personal betrayals, you know it’s not that easy. Dismissing deep emotional wounds doesn’t make them disappear—it just buries them under layers of unresolved stress, impacting your mental and even physical health.

So, let’s talk about how to actually move forward—not through toxic positivity or forced amnesia, but with a process that allows you to heal and reclaim your energy for things that actually deserve your attention.

Why Letting Go Isn’t About Forgetting

First, let’s bust a myth: Letting go isn’t about erasing the past. If someone tells you to “just forget about it,” what they’re really saying is, “Your pain is inconvenient for me.”

Real healing means acknowledging what happened, validating your own experience, and then deciding how much power that memory gets to hold over you moving forward. It’s not about excusing bad behavior—it’s about freeing yourself from the emotional stranglehold that keeps you stuck.

The Psychological Toll of Holding Onto Grudges

Research shows that chronic resentment is a stress multiplier. Studies from Stanford’s Forgiveness Project reveal that holding onto grudges increases cortisol levels (hello, burnout) and can even contribute to heart disease, anxiety, and sleep disturbances.

When you repeatedly relive a betrayal, your brain and body experience it as if it’s happening again and again. That means every time you think about your terrible ex-boss, that backstabbing colleague, or the childhood bully who still haunts your self-esteem, you’re hitting replay on your stress response.

Your mind doesn’t know the difference between the past and the present—it just reacts to the emotions you feed it. So, if you want to move forward, you have to shift the narrative.

How to Let Go of Grudges to Take Back Control

Step 1: Validate Yourself (Because No One Else Might)

You don’t need external validation to know that what happened to you was real and unfair. But many high achievers struggle with this because they’ve been conditioned to “tough it out” or “be the bigger person.”

Instead of gaslighting yourself into thinking, Maybe I’m overreacting, try:

“What happened to me was real.”
“I did not deserve that.”
“It’s okay to be upset, but I don’t have to stay stuck here.”

Acknowledgment is the first step in processing. Without it, any attempt to “move on” is just repression in disguise.

Step 2: Decide What You Actually Want (Beyond Revenge Fantasies)

Let’s be real. If someone wronged you, your brain has probably drafted multiple Oscar-worthy revenge plots. But once you’ve indulged in that mental screenplay, ask yourself: What do I actually want?

Justice? If so, what does that realistically look like?
Closure? Can you get that from within, or are you waiting for an apology that may never come?
Peace? If so, are your current thought patterns helping or hindering that?

When you clarify what you truly want, you stop engaging in the endless mental ping-pong match of “I should have said this” and start reclaiming your emotional bandwidth.

Step 3: Reframe the Narrative (Without Sugarcoating It)

Cognitive reframing isn’t about pretending something wasn’t harmful—it’s about seeing it through a lens that serves you. Instead of staying in victim mode (justified as it may be), try:

“This experience was painful, but it showed me what I will and won’t tolerate.”
“Their actions were a reflection of them, not my worth.”
“I can’t change what happened, but I can change what happens next.”

When you shift your perspective, you take back control of the story. And for high achievers, control over your mindset is everything.

Step 4: Establish Boundaries (Even If It’s Just In Your Head)

Not everyone deserves access to your energy. If the person who hurt you is still in your life (a boss, a family member, a colleague), set boundaries like:

Minimizing interactions or keeping them strictly professional.
Detaching emotionally from their actions.
Refusing to engage in the same dynamics that caused harm.

Boundaries don’t always mean cutting people off completely. Sometimes, it’s about how much mental space you allow them to take up.

Step 5: Use Your Energy More Intentionally

The best revenge? Living well.

Every moment you spend replaying an old grudge is a moment you’re not spending on your goals, relationships, and well-being. So, ask yourself:

What could I do with the energy I’m spending on this grudge?
How would I feel if I truly let this go?
What’s one action I can take today to move forward?

When you shift your focus from resentment to growth, you redirect your energy toward things that actually matter.

Step 6: Accept That Some People Will Never Change (And That’s Fine)

The harsh truth? Some people will never apologize. They won’t wake up one day realizing they were wrong. They may even continue being terrible humans. But their lack of growth is not your responsibility.

Your healing doesn’t require their remorse. It only requires your decision to stop letting their actions define your present.

Final Thoughts: Letting Go Is a Power Move

Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. Moving forward doesn’t mean condoning. And releasing resentment isn’t about letting the other person off the hook—it’s about letting yourself off the hook.

You’ve got bigger things to do than babysit a grudge. So, validate your experience, decide what you want, set your boundaries, and channel your energy into something that actually deserves it—your future.

Article References

The sources cited in the article:

Psychology Today (PT). "Breaking Free of Grudges." PT - Breaking Free of Grudges
The Washington Post (WP). “4 Ways to Let Go of GrudgesThat Can Harm Our Health.” WP - 4 Ways to Let Go of Grudges
The NYTimes (NYT) “Let Go of Grudges. They’re Doing You No Good.” NYT - Let Go of Grudges
Verywell Mind (VM). “The Mental Health Effects of Holding a Grudge.” VM - Mental Health Effects of Holding a Grudge
healthline. “Holding Grudges Only Hurts You - Try These Tips to Let Them Go.” healthline - Holding Grudges Only Hurts You